Burning Man Survival Guide

Bring what you need to survive and be prepared to barter.

If you’re headed for Burning Man and want to thrive in its harsh environment you have to get creative. Sure, you need sunscreen, water and wet wipes. But if you want to get the most out of your week of communion with fellow art freaks, music fanatics and frenzy-seekers here’s what you need in your Burning Man survival kit…

1. Dental floss

It’s good for more than teeth, you know. Use it to weave a butterfly net, tether your goat,     stake out the boundaries of your magic mushroom patch, or lasso lizards.

2. Cactus plant

Plants take pure energy and transform it into matter. How groovy is that? Twist your neighbours’ melons by explaining photosynthesis in excruciating detail, preferably at 4AM. Then offer to swap your cosmic power plant for their last bottle of Jack. If they hesitate, tell them its peyote and you’ll have a deal.

3. Amphora

Water tastes better served with style and nothing says classic and chic like an amphora. A little pre-festival balance practice will pay off when you swathe yourself in a toga and saunter through camp like a bountiful Greek deity, graceful clay jug poised on your head.

4. Vibrator

Burning Man is the perfect place to shed your bourgeois inhibitions but please avoid anything as prosaic as actual intercourse. Invest in the wildest-looking vibrator on internet and distinguish yourself as an erotic explorer. It’ll also save you from getting up-close-and-sticky with someone after not showering for a week.

5. Tailored three-piece suit

Small minds might quibble at blowing a couple grand on a bespoke suit then wearing it in the desert. But you’re not that kind of person. You’re the kind of person who goes to BURNING MAN. Dress the part. A classic three-piece in a lightweight wool with contrasting silk lining will instantly transform anyone into a sophisticated, lust-worthy bon vivant.

6. Polaroid camera

Why spend half the festival waiting for your iPhone to charge when you could be out there shaking a Polaroid? Dig its clunky, old-school charm and the endless opportunities to instantly share photos with your friends – no WiFi required.

7. A rock

Nature’s own multi-tool. A rock the size of your fist, flattish on one side, is perfect for hammering tent stakes, holding down a stack of paper plates, propping open doors, writing your name in the dirt, and hammering bits of your nine-foot aluminium-skinned mechanical space caterpillar back into shape.

8. Mini chalk board

The perfect minimalist communication tool. Use it to alert people to your current social status (e.g. ‘if the RV’s a rockin’ don’t come a knockin’), relay messages to friends, draft world domination plans with your fellow ravers, or give an illustrated presentation on the possibilities of interstellar travel in boats.

9. Jelly babies

Take a tip from endurance athletes and stock up on Jelly Babies to get through your desert marathon. If you’re not hungry, build a model community of jelly people, use them to plug leaks or affix memos to car windows.

10. Stick-on crystals

Beautify your dust-streaked face with sparkly highlights, decorate your vehicle with a crystal galaxy, or use them to write a giant “Welcome” sign on the desert floor for the extraterrestrial beings who will drop in for a visit after your third hit of good acid.


Leave a Reply